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Umpire Carl Paganelli #124 holds a ball on the field after a play during the 2015 AFC Championship Game between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts at Gillette Stadium on January 18, 2015 in Foxboro, Massachusetts. (Elsa/Getty Images)

"Deflate Gate" Through Middle Eastern Eyes

Hillel Fradkin & Lewis Libby

Recently intercepted communications from the Middle East shed new light on “Deflate Gate.” Excerpts, below:

From the Lebanese Office of Trade: “Both teams wanted to win. The Patriots thought of deflating the ball first. What are you going to do?”

From the Emir of Qatar: “Remind me—which do we own, the Patriots or the Colts?”

From the Egyptian press: “The Indianapolis Colts, losing at half-time, deflated the balls so that the Patriots would be disqualified and the Colts could play the Superbowl. Obvious, really.”

From Palestinian Hamas headquarters: “Secretary Kerry ordered deflation to distract Americans from his secret decision to allow the Jews new construction in the West Bank.”

From the former Saudi Ambassador to London: “Jews, who own all the football teams, paid referees to deflate the balls to increase attention for the Superbowl.”

From the Commander of the Iranian Revolutionary Guards: “The Saudis hide the truth: Increased Superbowl viewership means more people see TV commercials which have subliminal Jewish messaging: ‘Bomb Iran.’ If Tom Brady does not confess this, the nuclear talks are off.”

From Al Qaeda head Ayman Al Zawahiri: “Al Qaeda deflated the balls. Washington is next.”

From the Islamic State: “The Islamic State deflated the balls. Washington and Tehran are next.”

From the Taliban: “The Americans deflated these ‘pig-skins’ to insult Islam and draw attention to half-naked cheerleaders who should be whipped in their stadiums, as we do.”

From Iraqi Shia leader al Sadr: “Sunni deflated the balls so that the Shia team trainer would be blamed.”

From former Iraqi President Maliki: “What does the IRGC want me to say?”

From Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei: “Secretary Kerry told me last night, ‘War has to be the last resort.’”

From the office of the President of Kurdistan: “Does anyone realize there is a war going on?”

From Tel Aviv: “Brady either did or didn’t direct deflation of the balls. Which is better for the Jews?”

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