Recently intercepted communications from the Middle East shed new light on “Deflate Gate.” Excerpts, below:
From the Lebanese Office of Trade: “Both teams wanted to win. The Patriots thought of deflating the ball first. What are you going to do?”
From the Emir of Qatar: “Remind me--which do we own, the Patriots or the Colts?”
From the Egyptian press: “The Indianapolis Colts, losing at half-time, deflated the balls so that the Patriots would be disqualified and the Colts could play the Superbowl. Obvious, really.”
From Palestinian Hamas headquarters: “Secretary Kerry ordered deflation to distract Americans from his secret decision to allow the Jews new construction in the West Bank.”
From the former Saudi Ambassador to London: “Jews, who own all the football teams, paid referees to deflate the balls to increase attention for the Superbowl.”
From the Commander of the Iranian Revolutionary Guards: “The Saudis hide the truth: Increased Superbowl viewership means more people see TV commercials which have subliminal Jewish messaging: ‘Bomb Iran.’ If Tom Brady does not confess this, the nuclear talks are off.”
From Al Qaeda head Ayman Al Zawahiri: “Al Qaeda deflated the balls. Washington is next.”
From the Islamic State: “The Islamic State deflated the balls. Washington and Tehran are next.”
From the Taliban: “The Americans deflated these ‘pig-skins’ to insult Islam and draw attention to half-naked cheerleaders who should be whipped in their stadiums, as we do.”
From Iraqi Shia leader al Sadr: “Sunni deflated the balls so that the Shia team trainer would be blamed.”
From former Iraqi President Maliki: “What does the IRGC want me to say?”
From Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei: “Secretary Kerry told me last night, ‘War has to be the last resort.’”
From the office of the President of Kurdistan: “Does anyone realize there is a war going on?”
From Tel Aviv: “Brady either did or didn’t direct deflation of the balls. Which is better for the Jews?”